


Always Okay

by thatdragonchic



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, James Macgyver Can Suck Ass, Mac and Bozer childhood, Whump, but bozer has a lot of flashbacks, mac is just really tired, mentions of suicide but nothing is attempted or graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-08 02:26:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16420622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatdragonchic/pseuds/thatdragonchic
Summary: Mac is having a particularly bad day after a long mission. He decides he just wants to stay in bed, he doesn't want to move at all. This brings up a lot of bad memories for Bozer.(or Mac used to have depression as a teenager, and Bozer is afraid his friend is falling apart again. He doesn't think he can handle it.)





	Always Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Just a lil warm up writing for writing chapter 2 of my other fic  
> this is really sort of sad, sorry! But it really harps on the Mac and Bozer friendship

Jack was worried that Mac was sick, under the weather, and that’s why he didn’t want to get out of bed. He curled up under the covers, refused to acknowledge that there were things to get done, things to do, places to be. Places other than bed. Bed was an invitation to a darkness Bozer wishes he could forget about, a home to a lot of things that were left unsaid. Things that were left behind, before Mac went to fight a war, or became a covert op. Bed was where the wars began, where the crying never stopped. Where his head would run the wheels until he was burnt out, until there was nothing but static and his gaze was empty, and Mac had entirely isolated himself. Like there were walls of ice that fortified around him, and he refused to speak.

Jack neither knew nor understood this. How could Jack understand? He’d never seen Mac in the way that Bozer had seen Mac. When Mac was 15 and had no restraint for what things he did. When he had enough energy to get out of bed and make things that exploded, spend hours in their treehouse, inventing, setting things on fire, Mac just listening to Bozer talk. When they were 16, he would miss school a lot. He’d hide in bed, under the covers, not speaking to anyone. If he was pushed, he’d have an outburst, or he’d cry. Bozer hated to see his friend cry. He hated to see him upset.

“I was thinking maybe you could come out of that shell of yours and we can go to that bagel place you like…” Bozer said. “The one you always say is too far, and you don’t like driving down the streets it takes to get there. I’ll even drive.”

“Really don’t want to move,” Mac mumbles, head under the pillow.

“Wanna talk?” Bozer asks gently. He remembers how fragile he used to be, how his eyes would well with tears out of nowhere. He sees Mac shake his head. “Mac… Come on, man. It’s always been me and you. You know I’m right here for you.”

“I’m fine, just tired.” 

“We’re all tired, Mac… come on. What do you always tell me? Nothing better to cure the morning blues than a fresh brew and some eggs?”

“Please… I just want to stay here. I’ll get up later, I promise.”

Bozer takes in a deep breath and nods. “You want me to get breakfast then or…”

“Not hungry…”

Bozer nods. 

“Please go.”

“Okay… just a shout away, right outside the door.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Bozer doesn’t believe him, but Jack doesn’t look entirely concerned. “Get him some advil,” Jack says, when Bozer gets to the living room. Mac’s door was shut, and Bozer feels like that might be a bad idea.

“How’s he been acting on missions lately?” Bozer asks, almost as if out of the blue.

“No different than usual.”

“Are you sure he hasn’t been more reckless?”

“Bozer I know Mac and I know-”

“I know Mac too! You all seem to forget that I’ve known him since we were kids, and if anyone knows Mac, it’s me. I know Mac. Mac tells me everything, Mac and I? We have more history than any of you. And I know that’s not an excuse, but if anyone knows Mac it’s me!” Bozer stands his ground, staring at Jack. “now answer the question, has he been reckless more than usual or not?”

“No… He hasn’t,” Jack says, looking over Bozer, a look of confusion washing over Jack’s face. “He’s been his normal self.”

“You’re sure.”

“Yes.”

Bozer nods, pacing worried. 

“Now what is this about Bozer?”

“I don’t like when Mac gets like this.”

“He’s just in bed,” Jack says as if it was obvious and Bozer shakes his head. It made him nervous, Mac had become the strongest man Bozer ever knew, and watching him shatter all over again… well, god, Bozer could not handle that. 

“It’s more than that…” Bozer says. “You… You don’t understand, it’s more than that,” 

“Hey, what’s going on?” Jack whispers. 

  
  


They were only 8 when it happened. Bozer wasn’t allowed downstairs, where Mac was on the floor, clutching his chest. Bozer could see him, gasping for air like he couldn’t breathe, would never be able to breathe again, like all the air around him just wasn’t the right kind of air. And he was sobbing, as his parents used low, calm voices to talk to him. His best friend… who was on the floor. He had never seen Mac seem so helpless. Even after the bullies had pinned him to lockers or dropped his books in muddy puddles, Mac was composed, and made jokes, and smiled at Bozer. Took his things and cleaned them up as best as he could. 

“Wilt,” his father said softly to him. “Mac isn’t feeling very good, he just needs some space, and the adults to help him,” he had said. “I know you want to help him, but please stay in your room.” 

It was minutes later he heard his mother yelling at James Macgyver on the phone. He would never forget that.  _ “How dare you do that to him? He’s just a baby! He’s a child, James! No-! NO! You are not fit to take care of your son, and unless I know there is a good natured soul in that house, you are not getting him back- well god help me, you even park your car outside my house I will call the cops.”  _

Bozer knew his mother was only confident with this because she was a well respected and trusted figure in the county. She held a chair on the school board, worked in the Mayor's office. If James Macgyver did her wrong, well then he would be the one trouble. 

  
  


They were 14 when Bozer started to notice how things were changing. His mother said it was puberty, but he doesn’t think he acts that way. He never acted that way. He never got quiet the way Mac did sometimes, or angry for no reason. She said it was hormones, that their bodies were changing, and that Mac was just trying to make sense of his emotions. 

Though his emotions seemed so sudden and sometimes scary to Bozer. Mac hated his school work all of a sudden, like it was the last thing he wanted to do. His grandfather was concerned and Bozer could see it. 

His father sat down with Mac and his grandfather one day, when his grandfather had come to pick him up after school. Bozer was sent upstairs again. 

_ “Now Bozer says you haven’t been feeling good… is that right, Mac?”  _

Three days later his mother sat down with him on his bed, and his father did too, on the otherside of Bozer. “Now don’t be scared, but we think that Mac is sick,” his mother says in a very gentle voice, the voice she only uses when something very bad has happened. The one she used when Mrs. Macgyver had died, the one she used when James had left for good. The one she used when his grandmother died. He felt like crying. 

“This is a special kind of sick, Wilt,” his father approaches. “You need to be a special type of friend, to help him get better.” It almost sounded like something out of a storybook, like Bozer could cure him, just if he were a special friend. 

“What’s going on?” he had asked them. “What’s wrong with Mac?”

“We took him to a doctor with his grandfather… they said he has something called depression.”

“Depression just means being sad, though.”

“No darling,” his mother cooes softly. “It’s much more complicated than that. Depression can make you feel very frustrated, and inadequate. Do you remember what inadequate means?”

“Like you’re not good enough.”

“Right… That’s why he gets angry sometimes, because he can’t control it. He’s battling his head every day, the same way that Grandma had battled cancer. He gets all these bad… scary thoughts, Wilt.”

“Like what?”

His parents had looked at each other before shaking their head. “Darling, it doesn’t matter. But you need to look out for him,” his mother says. “You need to make sure he eats at school, and that when he’s over he does his homework instead of creating things. Don’t ever let him go to the woods alone.”

Bozer didn’t understand then why his parents were concerned for Mac to go to the woods alone, he now knows it probably would have been easy for Mac to lie one night and say he was going to their treehouse, only to hang himself some few trees away. Bozer knows in his heart that Mac would never do that, that he would never in his life consider that, but he also used to be afraid of that possibility becoming an option- he used to cry when Mac had bad nights and didn’t reply to his calls or his IM’s on the computer. 

  
  


Mac started to stay home a lot. He would always say he was sick. He just didn’t want to go out. He wanted to stay in bed. One day, Bozer just skipped school and lay in bed beside him. Mac stared up at the ceiling the whole time.

“You were so happy yesterday,” Bozer says, and he can see Mac trying to swallow the tears. “Making those little chemical reactions in the lab…”

“I don’t think I’m ever happy. My brain’s all fucked up.” Mac used to curse a lot more, he doesn’t curse like that now. 

Bozer took his hand. “Let’s go for a walk, Mac.”

“I’m okay right here.”

“We can get pizza from that place you like. Mom gave me ten bucks.” 

Mac shakes his head. “I just want to sleep all day. I never want to move anymore.”

“It’s because you’re sick. You have to get up sometimes. See the sun, mom says the sun makes you feel better…”

He shakes his head. “Only sometimes. Other times, it feels so scary…” Mac admits. Bozer nods like he understands, but he doesn’t. “I’m sorry. I’m such a terrible friend.”

“No you’re not,” Bozer says, quick to defend Mac. “you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I wouldn’t trade it in for a second. You’re always doing the right thing, and making all these wild experiments… and helping me with my film projects and my homework…” Bozer looks at Mac, taking his hand and squeezing. “You’re my best friend…” 

He doesn’t really know why, but Mac starts crying. Really, really hard. Bozer just pulls him in, lets Mac crying on his shoulder. Mac doesn’t make it out of the house, but Bozer convinces him to come down to the couch, and they watch  _ Treasure Planet  _ while eating dinner. His grandfather never let them eat on the couch, but this time he let them, to celebrate Mac coming downstairs. He even ordered those lava cakes that they never had with dinner, Mac didn’t really eat much but it was the thought that counted. 

  
  


“Mac used to be depressed,” Bozer finally tells Jack. It’s been a couple hours, and Bozer hasn’t spent a second sitting down, he’s spent the whole time doing anything to keep himself busy. 

“Depressed?” Jack asks, laughing. Mac had the strongest mind Jack had ever seen, nothing ever really tore that kid down.

“I’m serious. It was bad… he used to be scary bad, Jack. When he was 16, he almost never left his room. He’d cry sometimes, just if he had to go downstairs. He was reckless, he would have thrown everything away… and you know… I never wanted to hurt him. When he… when the football field incident happened, he finally got a lot of therapy done. Before he went to college after the summer.”

Jack looks at Bozer, as if he didn’t really want to believe it but he nods. “And you’re afraid he’s…”

“I don’t want him to slip again.”

Jack nods. “Listen… if he’s not out of that bed by 5 O’clock, I’ll go in there and get him out of bed myself… until then, I think he’s had a rough few days and just needs to rest…” 

Bozer nods, taking a deep breath. “You really think he’s okay?”

“Yeah… I think sometimes you just gotta settle down, let your mind wash itself out. Trust me… I’ve been there too, it’s a scary place. It’s so easy to fall back, but Mac? He ain’t that kinda guy.” 

Bozer nods and Jack pulls him into a hug. “He’s going to be okay,” Jack assures and Bozer nods. 

“Yeah… he’s always okay.” 

  
  


Mac was 19 when he stopped needing his pills, he was in his dorm, with Bozer next to him. “I enlisted.”

“What?”

“In the army. I enlisted.”

Bozer looks at him, confusion all over his face, fear tainting the color in his eyes. “That’s not a funny joke…”

“Good, because I was hoping you wouldn’t laugh.”

“Mac…”

“I’m better now… and I… I don’t belong here. What am I going to do? Sit in a lab and pretend like I can help people? God, I spent so much of my life, trapped in my own head, thinking I could never do anything. But I can help, if I go to the army.”

“You’re kidding me… Mac-”

“This is the right decision for me. Please, understand that. I thought about this and… And I think this is the best thing.”

“You just started your third semester.”

“It doesn’t matter, really. I think they’ll have me deployed by spring anyways. I’m better now.” 

“What if you don’t come home, Mac?” Bozer says, tears forming in his eyes.

“I will come home.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Bozer, I’ve fought wars before, it’s just a little different now.”

Bozer looks down, swallowing thick, and Mac takes his hand.

“Hey… I’ll be okay. I’m always okay.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you ever need to talk, if there is anything ever up, I'm always here to talk!   
> Anyways, thank you for indulging my fic. I always appreciate comments!  
> Shameless tag: waldenbeckboys.tumblr.com


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